My most hated friend: Anxiety

Anyone who has or has dealt with anxiety knows what a completely overwhelming and debilitating thing it can be in your life.

My mom recalls that even as a toddler, if my socks didn't feel 'just right' I would completely fall apart. And trying to get me to make a decision about ANYTHING?? Forget it. You might as well have assumed that I was medically unable to do so, and just made the difficult decision your self whether or not I would like to buy the red shirt or the blue shirt. The good thing is, I would almost ALWAYS be pleased with whatever decision YOU made for me, just as long as I didn't have to make it.

Geez.

Lock me up now.

Since coming to the conclusion as of about 2001 that 'hmm. Could there be something clinically wrong here??', I have been saved by medication.

*everyone breathe a sigh of relief now*

*ahhhh*

Becoming pregnant in 2004, while *so* exciting to our little 2 person family, it was also the most terrifying moment of my life. I would now have to face those things that horrify me the most and cause my anxiety to rear it's ugly head back into my life.

I would love to be able to share those things on here, and while I like to think of my blog as a bit of a journal, I feel this is the LAST place I want to share such things-being as everyone from here to timbucktoo can read and laugh/squirm/shake their head about it. Just wouldn't do good things for those anxious tendencies I so lovingly talk about. Maybe some day.

In my first pregnancy, my OB switched meds on me, being as the one I was on wasn't proven to be safe for pregnancies. Ok, fine, no biggie. Wait. YES BIGGIE!

Anyone who knows anxiety knows that one makes themselves physically sick from worrying about things.

Playing around with your precious meds on top of your already nauseating pregnancy hormones =pure hell. I was sick THE ENTIRE PREGNANCY.

So, here we are, pregnancy #2 (which I swore would NEVER take place in a million years), back to where I was with pregnancy #1.

I'm so so sick.

I called and requested maybe a DIFFERENT anti-anxiety medicine today, seeing as I felt the last time I was 'knocked up' it didn't work, and it appears to not be working again, but I was told to 'ride it out' for 3 weeks.

oh. ok. NO PROBLEM.

I have found, in addition to being REALLY sick from the pregnancy hormones shooting their bastard faces through my body, I'm also HORRIBLY anxious, which in turn is making me unbelievably physically sick to my stomach.

Are you still following me? Have I scared you off yet? *sigh*

Over the span of the last few days, I have slowly learned that while I should be getting as much quiet rest as possible, I CANNOT go lay down unless I am so totally DEAD TIRED, otherwise I will lay there and worry myself literally sick. One of the biggies, like I mentioned before, is that I'm SO terrified of throwing up. And when I lay there in the quiet and think to myself 'oh my gosh, am I going to throw up?? Is it coming now? I'm going to die if I do!!' I get sicker. And so begins the vicious cycle.

Man, I really am a basket case, aren't I?

I do honestly realize when I sit and think about it (which I don't like to do for too long), that I WILL NOT die if I throw up. Whats the worst that would happen? I would throw up. I get that, I really do. But my mind takes over and makes my body feel like I really will die if it happens. I don't consciously believe or think that, it's just the reaction my body has.

I'm dreading labor. Thats cool. Labor isn't fun, duh. But my mind is so overwhelmed with the fact that I would rather deliver this child through my left pinky toe, than through my hoo-hoo, that I then get sick. Again.

And so begins the cycle. Again.

Oh to be a fly on the wall of my mind, huh? I promise you, it would be the most terrifying horror flick to ever be seen.

I called this morning and in addition to requesting that my meds be changed, I also BEGGED and PLEADED with the receptionist at my OB office to PLEASE have the nurse call me and to PLEASE call something in for this horrible nausea-the nausea that has taken over entire days and left me with nothing in my tummy but a few rumblies. EVERY LITTLE TINY THING I EAT IS GOING RIGHT THROUGH ME.

They called 7 hours later.

And hadn't asked the Doctor about anti-nausea meds.

Oh joy.

So, here I am, home alone because my sweet hubby thought he would give mommy some awesome quiet time while he took Liv to the giant electronic store nearby.

STILL.WAITING.FOR.DOCTOR.TO.CALL.

Aren't ya glad you all decided to read my post today? ;)