Boo resolutions

The end of 2007 left me exhausted. Completely at the end of my rope with myself. I'd had it. I had been totally overwhelmed with the idea that I had completely lost control of myself-my body image had hit an all time low and my depression was darker than it had been in years. I stomped my foot and said, 'Thats it! I am making a new years resolution (no matter how cliche' they are) to lose 15 pounds and be showered and clean with a smile on my face by no later than 11am at the VERY latest EVERYDAY even if it is just a cleaning day around the house!! I will do this and it will make me a happier person!' Then, I read my dear bloggy friend Jennys Blog. It absolutely touched me at the very core of my being. It hit me in the face like a sledgehammer. *OUCH!*
I realized it's not making me look nice and pretty and smelling nice and put together on the outside that will make me happy-it's about finding true, true joy. It's about being HEALTHY!! Oh how I long to be truly truly healthy for really the first time in my life.

I'm VOWING to make this year healthier in many aspects than past years. I VOW to not lose the 15 pounds but to just make a bigger effort to snack more gracefully. I VOW to try and cook more well-rounded meals for my family. I VOW to *gasp* put down the diet coke once in a while and pick up a glass of water. I VOW to put on our shoes and get out of the house more often with Liv, even if it is just a walk around the block. I VOW to seek help on those dark days when my depression is getting the best of me and I VOW to call the Doctor if I feel like a new medicine is in order. I VOW to go to God very first in my time of deepest need. After all, thats what the title of my blog really means-Just as I am. We don't have to look pretty in order to come to Gods feet. He loves us so much, tears and all, and expects us to come Just as we are! I VOW to take better care of my body-inside and out. It makes my heart ache to imagine what that would REALLY feel like! Of course those icky days will come, but they won't linger like a sickness that has infected my body. They will pass and help me to raise my chin a little higher instead of slumping my shoulders a little lower.

One of my biggest heartaches is my lack of patience with my daughter. Growing up I had a very angry father. There was a lot of yelling in my home-there was yelling and anger that I notice as I get older has slowly started to resurface after all these years in the form of an incredibly impatient attitude with my daughter. It brings tears to my eyes as I write about this-this is how raw this truly is in my heart.

This year I VOW (sort of like a marriage to my daughter), to show more love, and much less irritability. To let every precious word that she speaks make her feel like what she is saying is important and not NEAR as important as whatever show I am watching or whatever I am reading or doing on the computer. I VOW to make sure she knows I always have time for her and I VOW to make sure she never feels hesitant to talk to me/cry to me/laugh at me for fear that I will 'blow up'. I VOW to make sure she NEVER fears me or her father. I VOW that we WILL take more walks and watch WAY less TV and that I will turn up her music a little louder and boogie in the living room with her maybe a few minutes longer. I VOW to make God the very center of her sweet little life. What a wonderful and exciting God we have Liv, and I want you to be SO excited about him-more than I have managed to be in my own life. I VOW all these things because I love you, this beautiful little being who wiggled her way into our world and it's my responsibility now as a mommy to create the most healthy atmosphere possible, because I can't talk the talk but not walk the walk. I want Liv to grow up being truly proud of the way her mommy raised her and feel like her mommy always took care of herself to in the end be a healthier, happier person for the rest of the family. I will do this, Liv. I PROMISE.

I feel like this year was an incredible year for John and I. I feel like this last move to a new town was such a positive thing. I haven't seen John this happy at his job in, well, EVER. He comes home with so much energy emotionally and seems truly happy with where he is at career-wise. It's also so fun to finally live in a nice home instead of a crummy, stinky, little apartment that made us all sick. (another post for another time)
A few things that I do VOW to you though honey: I VOW on those days that I'm feeling lower than low to really cling to you instead of crawling inside myself and stewing in my funk. I VOW to really get a grasp on our finances and make it a priority to learn how to balance the checking account. I VOW to pick up those GORGEOUS new pots and pans that you got me for Christmas once in a while and hold my head up high and try to cook something new for dinner. I VOW to be completely open to the fact that it may not taste good and THATS OK! I VOW to also have a back up box of mac n cheese just in case my cooking experiment doesn't turn out. :) I VOW to take better care of myself so that in turn I can give you my ALL!
Most importantly my love, I VOW to try my hardest to make God the very center of our relationship. I'm so lucky to have a husband who truly loves God with all his being. I think if we meshed our spiritual lives together a little more often and made a point to prayer together/read devotions together the God that we love so much would bless us so richly! :)

And now to you my dear, wonderful bloggy friends:
I VOW to not hide behind my humor. I will make a point to let you in to what I may be feeling from time to time no matter how dark it may be. (not like, murderer creepy dark, just funk dark). I VOW to support you the best way I can because you were brave enough to open your lives to us all, the best thing I can do is to give you all a virtual hand to hold! Wouldn't it be a hoot if we all got to go to coffee someday together?? Or ice cream....

I too, like Jenny, am anxious to see what this year will hold. To get a grasp on what it means to have true Joy in my life. Here's to a new life and a new year, I believe in all of you girls to really achieve what you are wanting most in your lives. I just plain well wouldn't have added you to my blog list if I didn't think you could do it! haha :)