My mom. She is the best. I'll get back to that later....

Little did know when I set up my new Blog site that just three days later would I have a melt-down concerning the very thing I wrote about as my little 'top of the page summary'...I am who God made me to be and that is excellent!
'What a load of crap' is what I really felt like believing instead.
Maybe it's how I grew up, maybe it's what society wants us to believe; not sure who to blame it on, but I've been struggling quite a bit with the skewed vision of what a 'perfect' stay at home mommy and wife should look like-and how I'm not even close to what the pretty pictures in my head show me I SHOULD be like.

Now this isn't a feel-sorry-for-me blog, this is just me getting it all out, so no comments saying 'oh but abbie you are a GREAT mother blah blah blah!' 'You are wonderful blah blah blah!' In fact no one leave a single comment. I will find you. You will be punished. ;)

There are a few major things (major to me) that I struggle with that go against EVERYTHING that a 'picture-perfect' stay-at-home mom and wife should be:

1. I HATE cooking. I'm not good at it and I have NO desire whatsoever to learn. Believe it or not, I have even managed to mess up Mac-n-cheese. That makes me want to punch myself. A 'perfect' woman should be able to cook whatever her family pleases at the drop of a hat, right? Whatever.
2. Our bed sheets do not smell like lavendar and 'pretty' things. I have SUPER sensitive skin, therefore, no smelly dryer sheets or laundry soap. I have to use the dye-free/scent-free junk. (fyi-the sensitive skin thing is one of many wonderful things I have passed on to my daughter-ARRRGGG!!)
3. I am NOT good under pressure. It's called Generalized anxiety disorder and it's ALL MINE!! Shouldn't good little wives and mothers be able to handle ANYTHING that comes their way? For example: juice spills on my new carpet-no problem! Just grab your perfectly categorized bucket of cleaning supplies and dab it up!; the incessant poking of my leg accompanied by 'ugh! ugh! read? read?' while I am in the middle of a project-a good mother ALWAYS has time for her child and would already have the freaking project finished!; the cat puking on a pile of my clean clothes as I'm screaming 'noooo!!'-a 'perfect' woman would have sensed that the cat was going to puke and gently set the cat over a paper towel!.....UGH. You get the idea.

One of the bigger issues I have been struggling with lately has been the fact that at the end of the day I feel like I have no energy to be ME. I miss me so much. I miss funny, crazy, goofy me that I knew so well. I do know that it's most definitely still a part of me somewhere-my mommy says she still sees it-but in all the hype of being mommy and wife all day, it seems I don't have the energy or have forgotten how to be me. Abbie. I can't tell you how many times I heard women say this very thing before I had Olivia-"I feel like I lost myself somewhere along the way". Blah. Whatever. 'I would NEVER let that happen' I once so confidently thought. And now here I am.

After having a rather long and tearful conversation with my mom the other day, I came away with the idea that God gives people different strengths. And maybe I'm not a world-class chef, but I am DARN good at giving welcome home hugs and kissing boo-boos. I do try to be emotionally there for my family (when I'm not having a super melt-down!haha) and I do try to make sure that John and Olivia know that they are unconditionally loved by me. There is never anything either of them could do to make me not love them. That must be my strength!

I don't think I could have asked for a better hubby in the world. He doesn't demand a single thing from me and is greatful for every little thing that I do. And one of his favorite things to eat is wiener wraps and beans! HOORAY!! Something easy! I can do that!
He is my absolute best friend in the world. He loves me-nutcase and all! I'm so blessed to have someone like him who really gets me. The whole me.

Ok, enough whining. I'm going to continue working on my distorted view of life and work towards true acceptance of myself and being exactly what I was created to be.